• Katharina


Updated: Feb 19

The difference between just hanging out and be depressed is sometimes hard to see. For outsiders even more. Mostly it is felt for me. Because I either feel relaxation (watching TV, eating cookies, sleeping, painting nails: relaxing) or just not feeling anything (a noise, aha, light, um, blanket over my head, okay, and nothing else). Finally, the enjoyment is missing. This is similar to sadness and stuck in a depressive phase. It's not the same. Being sad is a feeling. That's when you watch "P.S. I love you "and cry you so hard that you think for a moment just to laugh out loud. Depression is more ...

For three days, I have been opening the draft of this post over and over again, reading the few sentences and thinking about what the depression is now. It is a space-demanding nothingness. A deafness, without numbness. A life without aliveness. It is not definable.

Since I started my blog, I've got a different relationship with my depression. I see that she is always in me, that I do not have to be afraid of being attacked out of nothing. I just wanted to write that she is a part of me. But what seems to me high in the context of the goal of my blogging (s.o.). The point is that I am less afraid of her. Because I can actually exercise some control over them - at least temporarily. I used to run and had the depression on my neck. And I ran faster, the closer she came. And the faster I was, the more I scourged my soul when falling down. Now we go side by side, but not hand in hand. Maybe it's like with younger siblings that you have to be careful about but do not really mind. You turn it on, but you're happy to play alone. (I do not have a precise idea as an only child.) At the same time, I'm less afraid of being sad. Often, being sad was the beginning of the depressive phase. Being sad is so normal. And all I want is to be normal - I do not want a discussion on "What's normal?" Now.

I think I learn to appreciate feelings. I take innumerable feelings every day: I am sensitive. I am sensitive. I never liked that. But maybe it's not bad. Then I feel a little something off. Feel it through. Feel something away. Feel in a circle and go up.

With a heart of cake and nerves of cotton candy, Katharina is blogging at Nerven aus Zuckerwatte about her life with Type 1 Diabetes, Depression and Multiple Sclerosis. She is an advocate for people with chronic conditions, fighting like she did, to accept the daily struggle and not to see them as weaknesses, but as her strengths.

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